Even having read this manga pretty much from the beginning, it’s shocking to see Chizuru let things get this far away from her. It has been clear for some time, even before she fully acknowledged it, that Chizuru was deeply in love with Kazuya and yet still holding herself back, and her weak excuse about falling in love with a client was nowhere near satisfying, so why has she done this?
But I believe the answer lies in the core issues of Chizuru’s character, issues that have been in place from the beginning: her fear of attachment, her drive to be independent, and the longing she feels for connection and love. These drives are in conflict and always have been. They are why her actions do not seem rational. This is, potentially, an exciting time to be following Kanokari because Chizuru may have to change, to confront her issues, in order to move forward.
Chizuru's competing needs have pulled her apart.
Run down the events we’ve seen so far of this new arc, and the parallels are too strong to ignore.
Chizuru’s traumatic past changed her
Chizuru has no family left. Her dad left her, and her mom died. Her grandfather, who she was very close to and who supported her dreams, passed away in an accident. Now, her grandmother has passed away, too.
In response to this series of traumas, Chizuru reshaped herself. She used to be needy and clingy (58), but by the time she’s entered college, she has remade herself into the image of a strong human being. She gives off the vibe of being no-nonsense and capable of handling anything. Though she shows sympathy and understanding to others, she barely shows her own sadness, preferring to cover it up false acceptance (52) or empty platitudes. She has difficulty being open and honest about her deepest feelings; even Ruka has noticed this (157).
Most of all, Chizuru tries to downplay signs of attachment and denies them outright. She repeatedly uses the rental relationship as a barrier between her and Kazuya when a more normal professional might say she does care or even likes him as a human being while staying within the bounds of a transaction. When Sayuri mentions outright that Chizuru seemed to be looking forward to the birthday party the Kinoshita family was throwing for her, Chizuru is deeply embarrassed–she’s exposed (90). She remains standoffish even when at the threshold of making her dreams come true: when she is showing Sayuri the movie theater, Sayuri’s open emotional behavior makes Chizuru retreat to the bathroom even to show happiness (145). Chizuru refuses to be too connected, lest she be hurt again.
The temptation of Kazuya
Enter Kazuya. Kazuya is a mess in many ways, but he has a loving family he cares about (despite their borderline toxic negativity about him), he values good things like love, he don’t sweat some trivial things like a phone screen being cracked, and he is repeatedly supportive of her. He is loyal and good-hearted, in spite of his weaknesses. Not to mention his family adores her.
Kazuya is the silver bullet to Chizuru’s well-crafted armor. His supportive tendencies are similar to her grandfather. He’s open about his desire for love and companionship. His family can stand in for the family she’s lost.
Kazuya is everything Chizuru could want. A perfect match.
Chizuru’s push and pull game
Faced with the temptation of growing closer to Kazuya against her reflexive fear of being too close to anyone, Chizuru behaves in a conflicted manner throughout the series. She further enmeshes herself with Kazuya and his family by bailing him out in chapter 3, touched by his family dynamics and the thought of being close to them. Even when she maintains a wall of separation between them, she also is the one to allow the lie to continue, at the very least to keep Sayuri feeling that she is less dependent and has a future of her own.
Chizuru takes steps to bring Kazuya closer, too: she tells him that he doesn’t need to keep up a cool facade around her when he’s puking his guts out (73), and she brings him to Umi’s party and stays by him rather than mingle more with her friends and colleagues (177).
At the same time, she couches her interest as no big deal repeatedly. She infamously tells him how much she enjoys the vacation to Hawaiians while offering him a steep discount in 205, maintaining a fig leaf of professionalism between them. How many times has she said there’s no deeper meaning behind something or downplayed it altogether, like the “apology” phone case (31)? Many, many times.
And when there is a hint that she’s gotten too close, she yanks herself back. Twice Ruka tried to make Chizuru believe she’d slept with Kazuya. Twice Chizuru tried to reestablish boundaries as a result or simply withdraw, and her actions in 233 are another hasty retreat to safety. And when she gave in to temptation briefly and asked Kazuya again how he felt about her, she withdrew the question almost as quickly and tried to reinforce their existing relationship instead, saying she would help him find a wonderful girlfriend.
Chizuru is so deeply afraid of connection that she buried her feelings in denial for a long time. As far back as the “Last Scene” arc, Chizuru seemed unaware of why being close to Kazuya was bothering her (138), and her weak and unconvincing denials to Mami later on clearly communicate how conflicted she was.
Chizuru internalized low self-esteem to make herself unworthy of anyone
Chizuru puts herself down to cushion herself from pain. (52)
Throughout the manga, we see glimpses of Chizuru’s own doubts. Facing a little adversity, Chizuru claims she doesn’t have what it takes (52) and proceeds to play it off like no big deal, even though it clearly is to her. She’s “not a horse you want to bet on” (61). She clings to her dream as a path, essentially, to happiness and fulfillment, even while doubting it may ever come.
Moreover, Chizuru may doubt that she has what it takes to be Kazuya’s girlfriend. Kazuya’s “perfect girlfriend” speech paints her as cute, pretty, stylish, and kind, and as someone who lives life to the fullest (164). Chizuru would later suggest that he has come up with an idealized version of her (173), even while acknowledging that he may have meant it sincerely. Even after she backs off asking for his true feelings, she suggests that she won’t be satisfied unless he finds a fantastic, amazing girlfriend (174), and while that may simply play the role of justifying her denial, there is a possibility she sees herself as falling short of those lofty adjectives, meaning she is justified, in her mind, in not accepting his feelings. Chizuru would later say she doesn’t feel qualified to wear the ring (206), a statement that is literally true (as she isn’t his real girlfriend) but may also betray a sense of inadequacy that holds her back–or rather, that she clings to as a convenient way to feel unworthy of anyone.
Chizuru tries to resist being taken care of
An important dimension to consider to Chizuru’s feelings is her attitude toward being dependent or needing someone. The clearest example of this is when the director for the movie told her how much Kazuya had done to secure his participation. Chizuru was not simply touched by this. Instead, she seemed determined to work even harder as a result (117). At the very least, she felt compelled to pay back Kazuya in kind. She could not merely accept such help and appreciate it.
Chizuru is always like this. [She insists she doesn’t need money from the film production] (108). She tries to talk him out of hiring her every week to support her financially (56). She tries to pay him back for the cheer-up date because she cried (171), even knowing it was all for her sake to begin with. To accept help is to be more dependent.
The entire movie itself is an act of accepting help, and it’s no coincidence that Kazuya’s actions through the movie arc are a big part of her thought process at the end of 231. She loves him for that, and that’s what makes her afraid. I believe that is why we see her at a rehearsal in 233: part of her may be wanting to prove she can be an actress without Kazuya’s help.
Chizuru’s internal struggle ended, and she decided to be alone
Having understood her feelings, Chizuru walled Kazuya off in 232, and ignoring his messages for three months is a continuation of that. She is still too afraid of being connected to someone, and while her feelings obviously weigh on her, to the point, she tried writing back, it’s clear that the scared and fearful Chizuru won this battle. She doesn’t trust herself to play this push and pull game any longer. She was too deeply invested.
That’s what makes this an exciting time for Kanokari. “Paradise” was all about external forces pushing Chizuru to the point she realized those feelings were real. It was overwrought and took needlessly long to get there, but now, we are there, and Chizuru’s mixed feelings are the central focus, the driving force behind the conflict. I believe “Girlfriend and the Kiss” will be worth following closely.
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