Over the last few weeks here at The Lungfish Diaries, I’ve attempted to move away from making predictions, mainly because I find spending energy on idle theorizing to be wasteful and often pointless. However, this week’s chapter plants several seeds that I think are likely to take root in the coming weeks:
- Chizuru thinks she played it too cool in asking him if he really loved “Mizuhara,” and this spurs her to reach out to him
- Kazuya begins to assume Chizuru has significant relationship experience and implicitly compares himself to a hypothetical ex-boyfriend of hers, not knowing that she very likely hasn’t ever been in a relationship
- Mini tells Kazuya he messed up in not affirming his love for “Ichinose”
Put these together, and we conclude that Chizuru is coming over to (1) open up more about her real self, rather than merely suggesting that Kazuya doesn’t know the real her and is in love with her assumed persona, so that they can truly discuss the issue without judgment or assumptions, and in doing so Kazuya will (2) realize there is much more for him to learn about the real Chizuru, so he can say (3) that while he may not know everything about her, he does love her, the real her, as far as he knows and would want to learn more.
Let’s take a closer look at each of these points.
Playing it cool, man
Chizuru regrets acting cool.
One of the few insights we get into Chizuru’s train of thought this week is that she played it too cool when she gently suggested that Kazuya could be in love with her persona, not her real self. I suspected last week that Chizuru was acting at this point, and her thoughts about this moment confirm that. It was a fake smile, and Chizuru was still shielding herself back then; she only let her guard down a bit later, once there were no excuses left.
Now, she regrets having been so guarded at the time. She wants to be more open with him, as this is the way she can “investigate” her true feelings. Moreover, as we know from point (3), Kazuya accepted there could be a difference between the real her and what she’s shown him, but that might not be enough to assuage her anxieties.
In any event, we know Chizuru feels strongly enough to take action, tying up her hair and changing clothes to visit unannounced. She has a purpose here; there is a definite goal in mind.
Chizuru has experience? Uh…
Is there really no way she would be interested in sex? Kazuya thinks…
Kazuya comes to a reasonable conclusion, here: there really is no reason Chizuru wouldn’t be interested in the physical aspects of the relationship. And for most other girls, he would be right that she probably has had real relationship experience to go along with her job.
But, this is Chizuru, so he’s wrong. Sayuri already said Chizuru had never brought a boy home before, and Chizuru told Ruka she didn’t have any sort of experience with sex. Kazuya fails to appreciate that this is Chizuru’s first overall experience with love. Not coincidentally, he spends most of this chapter wondering what Chizuru wants to “investigate”–ignoring the obvious reasoning that Chizuru simply has never experienced this and so has no grounding to understand her feelings.
Did Kazuya blow it?
Is there really no way she would be interested in sex? Kazuya thinks…
Mini suggests Kazuya should’ve made the bold move and said he loves Ichinose, the real Chizuru. Last week, Kazuya gave a surprisingly nuanced and compassionate answer instead. I actually felt it was the better answer because it doesn’t try to whitewash how Chizuru has acted in the past or pretend like that didn’t happen; rather, it shows understanding that Chizuru might not have been ready to be her true self, and that’s okay. Getting to know someone is a process, after all. Chizuru seemed to take that to heart last week, and it very well could be that she is trying to follow through on that idea.
But, I don’t think it would be a bad idea for Kazuya to affirm his feelings for her, the real her, so far as he knows her, either. He can be realistic about how much he knows her and doesn’t know her while also saying he wants to know more and that he loves the person he has seen so far, who he believes is closer to the real her than strictly some fantasy.
Putting it all together
Kazuya may have wrongly assessed Chizuru’s past experience, but he knows her kindness, her compassion, and her dedication to her dreams. He’s seen her at her weakest, when Sayuri passed away. He’s experienced her faltering, when she shut him out for three months not knowing what to do, and Chizuru seems ready to show more of herself, to admit how new this all really is to her or to confide in him her nervousness and fear. This is an opportunity for them to connect, and I hope Kazuya will admit, too, that his interest is not totally “pure”. It always has been a point of tension in Kazuya between his romantic feelings and his sexual urges; finding a way to channel the latter into furthering a relationship would be good for him and his sense of guilt about sexuality. But, one step at a time.
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