There’s an interesting moment this chapter, building off of Chizuru’s previous request in 239. Chizuru asks Kazuya to bear with her and wait for her answer. Some people may be frustrated that Chizuru hasn’t come to a decision yet, but to the contrary, I think this is a positive development for Chizuru. The main point of friction during the Paradise Arc was that Chizuru felt trapped and unable to begin to figure out how to answer him. She couldn’t bring herself to ask for time, space, and understanding. The fact that she can do so now means she is freer to look into her own heart.
Chizuru would ask something of him, rather than put his needs first at the cost of herself.
Chizuru’s natural tendency is to agonize
Chizuru has often seemed paralyzed when the moment mattered most. She became frozen on the spot in Paradise, when all eyes were on her (223). She didn’t have the heart to tell Sayuri on her deathbed when it became clear the end was near, prompting Kazuya to ask her to put her feelings first (148). And more recently, with the issue of the kiss hanging over her, Chizuru shut Kazuya out for months, unable to act until Mini forced her hand.
Chizuru sits, still feeling cornered.
What Chizuru has always needed is the confidence and assurance of safety in her actions. She often lacks this. Look at how she glances nervously around Kazuya’s apartment, seeking out signs of danger, and how she sits awkwardly away from him, at the sliding door. She is still a little bit insecure and feeling unsafe. Ruka scares her. The thought of provoking Ruka scares her. It makes her feel uncertain and unsafe.
Chizuru seeks affirmation to be herself and to put herself first
Even aside from Kazuya’s big moment at Sayuri’s deathbed, Chizuru has often drawn upon his blessing to be herself:
- 56: When Kazuya said she could be herself, Chizuru second-guessed it until Kazuya affirmed it was what he wanted
- 160: Chizuru questioned Kazuya’s cheer-up date plan, but Kazuya again insisted this was what he wanted, and so Chizuru embraced it, saying she would enjoy herself
- 171: Chizuru offers some of Kazuya’s money back for the cheer-up date which he refuses, allowing Chizuru to accept his kindness fully and without reservation
The same is true here, as Kazuya affirms that his heart doesn’t lie with Ruka, and once Chizuru finishes talking through her concerns, she resolves to see Kazuya still, albeit not too “carelessly.” She will not try to provoke Ruka, but she is still leaving the door open to continue to see him and discover her feelings. When Kazuya looks uncertain as a result, she goes further, assuring him that she will come to an answer. This is the big deal: she has asked him for something, and shown that he is precious to her, in a way that can’t be justified by looking at it as putting her own needs aside. She needs his patience.
The future of this relationship can only be made when Chizuru continues to embrace her own wants and needs instead of trying to dismiss them by acting like she’s putting Kazuya’s interests, or her grandma’s, or anyone else’s, first. Indeed, part of why Chizuru has taken so long to figure out what she wants is that she is a deeply unselfish person who has only been selfish about one thing: her deep-seated desire to be an actress. That is the one thing that she would ask for other people to put up with before. Falling in love with Kazuya could very well be the second.
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